A Little Humor From My Friend Publius On Gerrymandering

Dear John,

Just a few short days ago I was filled with joy.

At long last, newsworthy of celebration.  

Yes, it was almost too good to be true.  Elise Stefanik, that ‘great replacement’ theorist, was coming to town toting her carpetbag to save us from the immigrant hoard and Make America Great Again, again.

And it was all owed to the ‘special master’ Jonathan Cervas, the Carnegie Mellon political scientist appointed by Steuben County Supreme Court Judge Patrick McAllister to deliver us from all manner of leftist extremism.  

Tears of joy flowed freely down Caroline Street and washed away stale beer from the gutter in front of Gaffney’s.  The sounds of rejoicing echoed from every neighborhood, hill and vale.

Church bells were said to have sounded at the news of the coming of the congresswoman.  One stout red-faced man was overcome with emotion and was rushed to the hospital by the fire service.

The irony was too delicious.  A lowly Republic Steuben County judge and a Pennsylvania teacher had done what our illustrious State Legislature and governor could not.  The good judge and the professor had teamed up to spare us the evils of gerrymandering.

And while I looked forward to the impartial and non-partisan representation Congresswoman Stefanic would bring to the 118th Congress, there were some naysayers among us.  

There always are.  The same ‘effete core of impudent snobs who characterize themselves as intellectuals’ that Sprio Agnew, another great American, warned of many years ago.  Truly a man ahead of his time.

That same crowd that perpetuates the global warming hoax, claims that Joe Biden won in 2020, attempts to force our schools to actually teach history and harbors some insane notion that we should all have access to quality, affordable health care.  These radicals even advocate for infrastructure improvements and free and fair elections.  

Their time was nigh.

But then came Saturday and with it news that Elise would not be coming to rescue us after all.

The good judge had blinked, caved to pressure brought by a few reactionaries.  Just as then-Vice President Pence wimped out to the Constitution on January 6, 2020, and denied us all another four years to Make America Great Again, again, the judge had fallen victim to common sense and rational thought.

It is a bitter disappointment to see Elise go even before she arrived.  We are left with only the ‘what might have been.’

Yes, the world can be cruel and often conspires against us.   But take heart, the next decennial census is but 8 years away and the next reapportionment only ten.  

Your suffering servant.

Publius